Storage.

"Not enough storage space."

For the past few months I have been reading these words on my phone. And to be honest, I don't know enough about my iPhone (or care enough really), to fix the problem.  I'm sure it's a simple problem to overcome, but at the moment I have decided to ignore it.

In some way, this made me think of my heart, mind and soul. 

In all honesty, sometimes my emotional, mental and spiritual self feel like they are choc-oh-block, full...like there is no more room left inside me because I am storing so much in every aspect of myself.

Yesterday, I went with my friend to IKEA and observed all of the millions of storage boxes, containers, shelves, draws....and for someone as organised as me, I must admit it was just a bit exciting. 

But this made me wonder about how I organise, compartmentalise and store my life. 

Don't get me wrong, being organised and knowing exactly where everything is stored is a beneficial and positive achievement! But I can see how it can become an attempt to control the uncertain and changing seasons of life. 

And I can see how I do this with every aspect of my life, trying to store certain emotions, experiences, anxieties and even relationships, into certain types and sizes of storage boxes, or places, within myself.

Although,  in truth I think no matter how many places you have to store your thoughts and feelings, there becomes a point where there is not enough storage space left.

This realisation only means one thing: you need to make room, spring clean, remove the clutter and empty some places...because you need to create more space for certain other things in life.

One aspect of my life in which I need to empty the box in order to refill it, is the anxiety and worry box. The box where I store all my thoughts and fears about my relationships and future...which take up one to many boxes within my soul. 

And the worst is that these places inside myself, where I feel burdened and darkened by problems of this world, seem to just be stored up... not going anywhere and of no real use.

What if I emptied these spaces?

What if I cleaned out these burden-filled places which store some of my darkest anxieties and fears?

And more then that, what if I filled these with thoughts and experiences of Jesus and other people.

One song that I love at the moment is called "Cold is the Night" by The Oh Hello's. And one of my favourite lines from the song are these words,

"take this burden away from...

bury it before it buries me." 

I think if we let God un-clutter, empty and take away these burdens, anxieties and fears...away from the places in which they are stored in our hearts, we can fill ourselves and store up things of value, worth, hope and joy. Treasures, not tears. 

Because if we don't let Him empty us, He can't fill us.

I have seen dark places in a soul being filled with love, joy and hope. These stored up thoughts and experiences that can bury our souls can be emptied and carried away by Jesus. 

Of course we will always need to empty to be able to store these things. 

To be honest, I don't think anyone can have empty spaces within themselves. I think that these spaces are full, but are just storing the wrong things...fears, past experiences and regrets, worry, shame or guilt. 

But we can store up things much, much greater. God can fill us with things and opportunities that can't be compartmentalised or controlled, but can be stored within our hearts and souls.

Steph's artwork. 

Lucy and beauty

C.S. Lewis. You know our hearts so well. 

Watching Narnia today I was confronted with the scene in which Lucy uses the beauty spell in hopes of becoming more beautiful, like Susan. The conversation between her an Aslan that follows is an amazing, and eye-opening reminder of my value and your value...in the eyes of God, and how much we are worth to Him...

1. Lucy Pevensie: That was awful.
2. Aslan: But you chose it, Lucy.
3. Lucy Pevensie: I didn't mean to choose all of that. I just wanted to be beautiful like Susan. That's all.
4. Aslan: You wished yourself away, and with that, much more. Your brothers and sister wouldn't know Narnia without you, Lucy. You discovered it first, remember?
5. Lucy Pevensie: I'm so sorry.
6. Aslan: You doubt your value. Don't run from who you are...

Let us not doubt our value or our worth. God doesn't want us to seek a beauty that is not our own. And with seeking a worth in beauty, (or what we think defines beauty) we loose so much of who we are, the true woman that God fearfully and wonderfully made.

Thanks Lewis that even the simplest  of  words can hold the greatest truths.

Sunday Reflections

This morning, I went for a walk in the rain. My feet were soaked through within the first minutes of walking, but I kept going. It was such a refreshing way to start my sunday. Coming home, showering and curling up with a nice novel near the warmth of the fire, in a silent house, is just the way to spend a sunday. 

Reflecting, spending time with God, reading my devotional, bible and writing in my journal... and I guess just really being at peace is such a thing I find rare in my life. My personality is very hard to foster moments where I am not thinking of the next thing to do, to achieve or the things that I know I will have to deal with. My mind is always racing, deep in thoughts and worries...and frankly- its so tiring. I know I am not the only girl out there that feels like this, and I know also that we all have different personalities that make us tired, worn out, and feeling overwhelmed with the things we want or think we need to achieve and succeed, 24hours of the day.

I think I need to slow down. With everything! I don't think God wants us to be tired and overwhelmed, but at peace and joyful in every moment that He gives us to experience....

I am always so quick to think, to act and to do...most times without even considering or reflecting on other possibilities and just experiencing things to the fullest, in the moment. I need to go slower. I also need to grow slower- I think walking on a journey with God is about taking time to feed and weed, sow and grow...foster change and intention- but certainly not all at once. I think the more I read, the more I engage and gain understanding of ways I want to change, to grow and to experience life the way God wants- I feel it has to be now, now, now! But it doesn't happen overnight. God walks with us in a journey of growing and changing...and loving. So why do we feel like we fail if all this takes time and requires a whole lot of patience and perseverance? 

I have started to look at the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) with my younger sister in a bible study, and I am really challenged by the reality that these nine fruits are things that God grows in us, through time and through different experiences, whether hard, suffering situations, or joyous, encouraging moments. ....

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentle-ness & self-control... 

These are fruits of the Spirit at work in us, of God growing and feeding and changing us to be more like Jesus in every way... 

and I suppose fruit doesn't just appear on a tree overnight? It takes time, patience, and a whole lot of love to produce something that is beautiful, something that can be a blessing for others.

seeking

hey guys!

So lately, my thoughts, hopes, fears, passions, longings.... have all been drifting, changing and being all over the place! Thats just me I guess. I seem to have a very BIG problem with sticking to things, whether that is an idea for a painting....or even what I think I want to do after my degree and in my future. I have even been considering the thought of stopping my studies ( half way through my degree) moving to France in a little village (with my grandparents) working at a boulangerie, and riding my cute Parisian bike to work each day....

steph's photography 

...but then I really think. Is this really what I want to do? Is this what God has planned for me? 

To be honest, I really want to do whatever it is God want's me to do in life...I want to serve Him in whatever job or experience He gives me to live out. Perhaps it is working in France in a bakery, or maybe an art therapist...or possibly (and most likely) something I haven't even thought or comprehended yet, because God is full of good, good surprises!

So yesterday I took some time out to sit down in a park, absorbing the warm autumn sun, writing in my journal, praying to God and reflecting on His work in my life. I was lead to the very popular, but never the less very truthful and hopeful verse of Jeremiah 29:11....

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

It was good reading these words again. But, I read on further and discovered even more truth in the next few verses...

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”" Jeremiah 29:13-14

God says that is we seek Him with our whole heart, we will find Him. God promises us this! That He will reveal Himself to us. The more we seek God, and desire to know Him as Father, King and Saviour, the more we find God in our lives, in our decisions and in our hopes for the future. He is bringing me back from the darkness and captivity and renewing my hope each day. Some days are harder then others, but He has promised that if I seek Him I can find Him.

And so, I guess my prayers are this...that I can seek God and His will for my life, whatever that may be. And in knowing Him more, I can trust the plans He has for me for my future.

Amen sister friends!

journey-ing...

hello there to anyone who actually reads this...

I suppose I have realised I am really bad at this blogging thing. I want to commit myself to writing here, but it seems I find myself questioning whether my story is worth reading.

I read a blog post today from one of my favourite blogs from another blogger namedStephanie, who blogs at http://thelipstickgospel.com/  about stories and the power they have in not just our lives, but others. It could not have come at a better time for me to read this.  I have been wondering lately about stories, and just how much they impact upon the way we live daily. I know in the past year, stories of people's journeys through similar issues that I am going through, have helped and encouraged me in so many ways. 

My journey continues daily. I can honestly say that I am alot better then I was this time last year, especially with my anxiety and food problems. I still struggle, some days are easier then others. But the bad days are slowly being out weighed by the good ones...the days where I don't let food dictate my thoughts, relationships and emotions...

While I still have a journey of becoming the woman God has created me to be, on the way I keep learning, reflecting on what God has done in me, and His faithfulness in transforming me from the inside out. Its not by my power or strength that I am healing, but God, who gives strength and breath and life and hope...

Perhaps my story isn't read by many. But if someone is reading this, there is hope and beauty and love...and God shows this through small things, from the raindrops that echo outside my window in the morning, to the friends that share with me their love, to the big grace found in Jesus who is able to give hope and love even when we don't deserve it. 

I remember a quote this week that I heard from a movie that really got me thinking.. It went something like this.... 

"we only accept the love we think we deserve."

While this is really true in alot of relationships, what made me question this is Jesus, and His love. We can accept His love not because we deserve it, because we don't. We accept it as a gift, a good, amazing gift, knowing that we do not deserve it in anyway. It's only by grace that Jesus offer's us His love. It's only by grace that He gives me hope and strength and continues to change me and transform my heart.

Its by grace and His love that my journey continues.

peace.

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."

Colossians 3:15

P.

Purpose.

A purpose to why we eat, to nourish and sustain our bodies for a purpose, to live the life God has given, fully.

E.

Enjoy.

Its enjoyable to eat! To make food, cook, create..

Enjoy the taste buds God gave to us, to share with others the pleasure of food, to enjoy the sustenance and joy of being able to taste exciting and wow flavours and textures!

A.

Acceptance.

As a child of God who is always loved, no matter what number on that scale, no matter how much I feel defeated, shame, hopelessness... 

Acceptance from God. Not this world, or its ideals of beauty.

Accepted by Jesus, Adored by Jesus.

C.

Content.

Not stuffed, satisfied. Content physically in the present.

Consistent in knowing how to care and nourish my body, not depriving, not feeling guilty.

Calm. Take the time to collect the moment, to embrace the experience and taste.

Continually remember, we were made to consume food, but not for food to consume us.

Content in Christ.

E.

Eucharisteo.

Thanksgiving...joy and grace. Thanks God for nourishing me with food, for sustaining me through Your word, thanks for life, for purpose, for hope, for love, for Jesus. Thanks!

routine.

What would it be like to be free for a routine? To not feel bound by time and routined, planned moments of each day? What would freedom to be anything, feel anything, eat anything, experience anything and everything... when God just, allows?

These questions have been on mind lately, how my life is in constant routine.

Honestly, everyone has a routine- to some extent. Whether that is dictated by work, school, or family commitments... but when does the comfort of routine and daily habits become a trap...chains, restricting life's very freedoms?

There has been times and experiences where I have been completely thrown from routine and my daily habits of life. These experiences completely forced me out of my comfort zone, and in a lot of ways allowed me to be free. 

My personality is so constraining and sometimes I feel that my anxiety about anything and everything comes from whether I am in control of a situation or experience.

...I guess having such a tightly woven routine allows me to 'breathe easy,' knowing I am in control, organised... but does it really? 

In reality, when I look deep into my routine-controlled life, I can't breathe. Its constricting, restricting, shrinking, confining, tightening, compressing...my life, my soul. This very freedom and life Gpd has given me and made me for.

On the outside, routine is all well and good, almost a life completely organised and 'well-thought out.'
But its a trap. I have discovered the trap and burden that comes with being so comfortable in routine, so caught in preparation and timing. Its the trap that causes the heart to wilt, cease growing, to wither under a control that leaves no room for freedom, no opportunity to embrace life's small, big and wondrous, random moments of grace, hope and beauty...

Routine lets the devil whisper that the more you try to keep on time, the more you organise, plan, follow your own restrictions and rules... the more satisfied and joyful your life will be.

Lies. 

God wants us to dance, to sing, to have random moments of fun with people at random times, to eat and drink in joy, independent of time and place... God wants us to get so caught up in things like making, and creating that we loose all sense and awareness of routine, time, habit, structure... that we just dwell in, and embrace moments that are lovely, joyful, hopeful and sometimes even painful...

I have learnt that routine cripples the soul in ways that takes time to fully heal, renew, restore... I am still learning the power of God's freedom- in everything- in life itself because of the freedom Christ has given.

Where the spirit of God is - there is freedom. 2 Corinthians 3:17.

There is a life ready to be lived, there is no fear or shame or guilt, no sense that soul satisfaction and joy comes from how well we stick to our schedule, our own tasks and good works, habits and routines.

I want to know this freedom. I want to be free. Free from what I should do, free from what I should eat, should look like or act like in the eyes of this world. I want to know this freedom in life. I Trust God is teaching me this, day by day, choice by choice victory by victory.

Reflection on this season..

I feel so inspired at the moment to be creating, making, writing, reading, listening, learning... 

And I have been! 

I have begun this new year with such a renewed and refreshed attitude and perspective on who I am, and more importantly who God is and what He wants for my life. I have been realising that using the time God is giving me (before I get back to the reality of university and study) to embrace the simple things in life, whether that is through art & craft, or cooking, or simply enjoying a coffee with a dear friend... these things are all good and beautiful, especially in this new season. 

There is a time for everything...

 and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

...and I think this time, this season is for reflection and renewal, imagining and creating...

 "Wherever you are, be all there..."

Jim Elliot - how true your words sing to my soul! I am in this season, and I want to be all here.

So, I will go on with these simple pleasures of writing, reading, creating, making...

because this is what and where I am, now.