I brewed a green tea for this.
‘My story …over the past
year.’ That is what this is. I have
ignored this moment, ran away from this opportunity, procrastinated,
distracted, cringed at the thought of writing down my experience of last year.
But it’s time now to
really sit down and write about what God has challenged and convicted me with
this past year, and the change that only Him alone can bring in a desperate and
lonely heart.
I began last year ready to
conquer university, make new friends and really begin my life out of high school. I was excited to study art and
learn more about the world. Early on in the year, I booked a trip to France,
for November 2012, thinking it would be a great experience and celebration to
end what would be my first year of university. It would also be a chance for me
to spend time with my French family (who I see only every two years) and
immerse myself in the French culture. After praying about my decision for a few
weeks, I booked it as a ‘solo’ trip, deciding that I was ready to travel alone
as a young woman …I thought to myself that it would be a trip for adventure and
relaxation…but God had a better idea for the purpose of that trip.
And so, I continued my
year through university.
Though, that year, 2012,
was the hardest year of my life (that I have lived.)
It began as something I
thought I was doing because I just wanted to loose a few kilos. I had resolved
at the start of the year to begin eating less then I normally did, cutting down
on snacks, sugar, chocolate...just to be healthier because I was not happy with
what I looked like. I had always tried new diets and exercise habits, and all I
wanted to do was loose some weight, while still eating the food I loved. I
guess I decided that enough was enough, and so I reduced everything I consumed…
I lost the few kilos that
I had planned and the number on the scale made me proud of my self-control and
restrictive behaviour. But, it didn’t stop at just those few kilograms. I realised that I had control over something in my
life for once, and that I could keep loosing the weight. I had never been this
proud of my dieting and ‘healthy eating’ habits- ever! And I was happy that
others around me began to notice that I was looking slimmer. I had never been
considered skinny or slim in my whole life…in fact, according to some close
family members I was a bit chubby, or I could loose some fat ‘here or there.’ I
was never that slim, sporty, toned looking teenager that I wanted to be. And I
wasn’t happy with that.
As months went on and I
continued to eat less and less, I began to experience the physical consequences
of starving myself. I was constantly tired, moody and had no energy to even be
with friends or family. I think the worst point was winter 2012. I remember
each day just being a physical and emotional struggle. Physically, having a job
and doing university and church commitments should not have made me that weak, cold and tired, but because
of my restrictive diet, I pulled and dragged myself through each day, just
waiting for the clock to hit 8 pm so I could go to sleep. Emotionally, I was
even worse. I felt so controlled by food…what
I would eat, when I would eat, how much I would eat. It was a constant
thought process that burdened me everyday. I felt I was chained in a cycle of
thinking about food that I couldn’t escape…
I did not treat my body
the way God intended. I abused it. I would eat less then I physically needed, and if I failed and ‘overate’ I would feel shame
and guilt that would linger on my soul and affect my relationships and
activities. Some times I would be confronted with sugar ( lollies or chocolate)
or something that I hadn’t eaten in a long time, and I would binge eat to the
point of real discomfort … and this would only make me more ashamed, guilty and
disappointed in my ‘lack of self control.’
During these months
leading up to September/November of 2012, I was anxious, stressed and had a
disordered eating issue that was taking control of every aspect of my life. My
relationships with family and friends were being negatively affected by my bad
moods and constant depressed behaviour…and my relationship with God felt like
something that couldn’t help me because I was too stuck. I felt too
self-controlled, guilty and preoccupied with ‘food thoughts’ to be with God.
Through these months, God
blessed me with my mum and sister. They began to notice straight away what I
was doing to my body, and how it was physically and emotionally affecting my
life. They were worried, and I didn’t want them to worry. I confided in my mum
and sister with my fear and anxiety about food and weight issues, and they
listened and supported me. I remember my sister wrote me a letter that I read
in the bath one winter’s night. I cried for such a long time reading words I
knew were true.
Here is some of what my
younger, fifteen year old sister
wrote to me…
“I hope as sisters that we can tell each other our
problems and struggles as Christians, and be able to accept and respect each
other’s concerns and failures…
This letter is not supposed to upset
you, but I do wish to confront and rebuke you. You already know this, but I think
it is important to remind you. Both mum and I are concerned about your weight
and the negative views you have about your own body…As a sister in Christ I
would like to remind you that your appearance is never going to improve or
damage your relationship with God…Therefore you should not think as much as you
do about you body…
I do not think you are a healthy
weight anymore…mum and I feel that it is getting out of control…you are
bordering on anorexia…
We love you and cannot bear to see
you struggle with your weight. Just think how better you would feel if you ate
more; you would have more energy, you wouldn’t be as could and you would be
able to make the most of every opportunity- as God wants his children to do…”
This letter referenced three verses that speak true of God’s perspective food, worry and true beauty…
This letter referenced three verses that speak true of God’s perspective food, worry and true beauty…
“So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do,
do all to the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your
life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you
will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?”
Matthew 6:25
“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his
appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For
the Lord sees not as man sees; man looks on the outward appearance, but the
Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7
I still tear when I read
her letter even now. God has blessed me with an amazing, truly beautiful
sister, and she has also come to know Christ, so we are more then blood sisters. (I plan to write a blog post about her
soon…my dear sister Celine.)
My mum is another blessing
from God. She is amazing and has taught me so much over the past year about
strength and love. I thank God for her support and love in my struggles,
because she gave me a lot of perspective and strength. I truly believe God uses
people around us, to challenge and change our hearts. And what an incredible
blessing that is when it’s a mother.
I tried not to worry, not
to be anxious, or stressed, or in constant control of everything I was
consuming. I wanted to be healthy, eat and exercise and be happy with who God
made me to be. I struggled to find that balance though, as I physically didn’t
have enough energy to do much exercise because of my lack of food, and I didn’t
eat much because I knew I wasn’t doing much exercise to burn off the extra
calories… it was a vicious cycle of shame, guilt sadness and anxiety.
On September 1st 2012, I began journaling. My mum
suggested it as she mentioned that at some point in everyone’s life, one should
write a journal. I had considered it before, but honestly had previously been too
lazy to write down what was happening inside. This journal became something so real and true to who I was (and who I am) and what I was experiencing. I
wrote on the first page…
“This journal is me; who I am and who I want to be.
I think its time to put on paper what my life is about at the moment. I don’t
want to be fake, I don’t want to pretend everything is ok; because to be honest
its far from being ok…
I hope and pray that by Gods grace and His
unfailing and undeserving love, I can overcome this, whatever this is…
I feel lead to comment on “The Good women Project,”
a website that has already opened my eyes to the reality that there are women,
like me, who are dealing with weaknesses and worries and hurts…
I hope God can use my story one day to help and
change someone experiencing something similar, or just to let someone know that
with God, all things are possible…
I don’t really know where to start…”
But I did start.
I wrote a lot. As I was
writing this story down, I looked
through my journal entries about my fears, anxieties and sadness over the past
year. They all echo my desire to break free from the chains that I was in, the
sin that entangled me, I wanted to experience the freedom found only in Christ
and not things of this world…
And so university
finished, November came and I went on a trip overseas for a month, alone, with
a French speaking family (I am not fluent so it was hard and because I see them
only every few years they felt like strangers at first), a different routine
and some big challenges (more to come on my experiences in Paris.)
I wrote everyday in my
journal, some days pages, other day’s simple prayers or verses that God would
reveal to me.
I read one entry that I wrote,
which now makes me cringe because of the raw truth behind my words…
“ What actually I find annoying is how stupid I am.
Why, why, why o Lord do I starve myself when I know when I nourish my body and
eat I feel better…”
I was challenged in every
way possible. For months I had developed a routine of food and lifestyle that
allowed me to control my eating habits and my relationships with others, but
now I was experiencing a whole new culture, language and routine… I wrote;
“This experience and different routine is
definitely making me stronger, breaking me down and allowing myself to just
trust God…I needed to break away from my restrictive routine at some point and
get back to the real world…”
I experienced a lot, especially the power of the Spirit of God who is
strong, stronger then my weakness.
God has shown me this.
After my experiences, I
began to really transform and my mind
began to be renewed. I began letting God in, and by His grace, He opened my
eyes and heart and perspective on a whole lot of things!
During this time, one song
that made me cry and filled my heart with such joy in God’s faithfulness and
healing and strength and renewing power was “Beautiful
Things,” by Gungor… the lyrics are like this…
“all this pain,
I wonder if I will ever
find my way.
I wonder if my life could
really change at all…
all this earth,
could all that is lost
ever be found,
could a garden come up
from this ground, at all…
you make beautiful things,
you make beautiful things out of the dust…
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things, out of us…
all around
hope is springing up from
this old ground,
out of chaos
life is being found
in You…
You make me new,
You are making me new…”
These lyrics echoed the
words of Isaiah 61…
The spirit of the LORD is
upon me
He has sent me to heal the
broken hearted
To proclaim liberty to the
captives
and the opening
of the prison to those who are bound (verse 1)
…to comfort all who mourn (verse 2)
to console those who mourn
in Zion
To give them beauty for ashes
The oil of joy for mourning
The garment of praise for
the spirit of heaviness
That they may be called
trees of righteousness
the planting of the Lord,
that He may be glorified (verse 3)
I will greatly rejoice in
the Lord,
my should shall be joyful
in my God;
For He has clothed me with
the garments of salvation
He has covered me with the
robe of righteousness
As a bridegroom decks
himself with ornaments
and as a bride adorns herself
with jewels (verse 10)
For as the earth brings forth its
bud,
As the garden causes things that are
sown in to its spring forth
So the lord God will cause
righteousness and praise to
spring forth before all nations.
(verse 11)
After my France trip, home
in Australia with my family, I received another hand written letter from my
beautiful sister, and these words made me cry again, but this time from
happiness…
“It feels as if this experience has helped you to
transform into a mature, independent woman of God…
I have been able to see your changing perceptions of food through the emails and phone calls. WHOOP WHOOP! It is truly amazing how God works in mysterious ways in order to change someone for the better. In this case, it only took a trip to the other side of the world...But please don’t go back to the way you were like before. I don’t want you stressing about food anymore…
Live life to the full…”
I have been able to see your changing perceptions of food through the emails and phone calls. WHOOP WHOOP! It is truly amazing how God works in mysterious ways in order to change someone for the better. In this case, it only took a trip to the other side of the world...But please don’t go back to the way you were like before. I don’t want you stressing about food anymore…
Live life to the full…”
I began the New Year,
2013, in Huskisson, with a team of Christ followers on mission to preach the
good news! It was an incredible, amazing, challenging and convicting 10
days…and opened my eyes to the reality of the gospel, the reality of Jesus and
His saving power. I can honestly say, that if I hadn’t been on my trip a few
weeks before this short-term mission, I think I would have been dishonouring
God by being there, because I wouldn’t not have been all there…
God’s timing is perfect.
Whether we see it now, we can trust in His planned timing and purpose for everything in our lives. I had booked
that trip to France as something to look forward too, as an exciting
holiday…but God knew it would be a change in perspective that I so desperately
needed.
SO much happened on that
trip. I got to know more about who I was, and Who I belong too…and what that
actually means…. what it means to be a beloved daughter of a God who made me,
who loves me and has saved me.
God also has brought
people, stories and even blogs into my life that have radically shifted my
thoughts, changed my perspective and caused me to look beyond my self absorbed
life! God answers prayers. He
faithfully answered my prayers for someone to confide in (besides my mum and
sister) and He has continually been bringing people into my life that are able
to understand and encourage me in my journey…
My journey... Its still a
process. Every day is new, every day is a struggle. I still face my weaknesses.
I still think about food, I still check the number on the scale and it stills
impacts me depending on what number stares back up on me. I still fear my
failure, my lack of control. Though, I long to nourish my body physically, not
abuse it. But I need to nourish my soul daily before I can even do this is a
God-glorifying way.
I have found the following
verses comforting, challenging and convicting in my journey and I am reminded
of these truths….
Psalm 73:26… I may fail, but God is the strength of
my heart.
Isaiah 49:16… God knows me, He loves me, He made
me.
2 Corinthians 3:5…my competence, my strength comes
from God alone.
2 Corinthians 3:17…the Spirit of God gives FREEDOM.
2 Corinthians 4:16… I am being renewed day by day.
2 Corinthians 5:17… In Christ, I am a new creation!
Philippians 4:16…Don’t be anxious, submit
EVERYTHING to God.
Philippians 4:13… I can do everything through God
who gives me strength!
Romans 8:37…we are conquerors, victorious through
Christ in ALL things, in ALL situations!
God is healing me. By His
grace and love. My trust and hope is in Him, and I thank Jesus that I do not
need to fear shame, guilt, I don’t need to be defined by worldly beauty, I
don’t need to have control over everything, I don’t need to be a certain weight
to be loved and known and accepted. God has loved and accepted me through
Christ and in Christ alone I stand…
This is a condensed
version of what could be a long long story! But- if you have any questions feel
free to email me at …. stephanie_babe_roxy@hotmail.com
If anyone reads this, I
would love to hear your experience or what you think of mine… just leave a
comment!
(I will soon be posting a
page dedicated to blogs, and books and websites that I discovered through my
journey that have been of HUGE encouragement for me and hopefully for you
also!)
Thank you for sharing the truth of scripture! I look forward to reading what you have to share next week as well!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your honesty! I hope you continue to find encouragement and healing on on your journey. And thank you so much for participating in the linkup!
ReplyDelete